A Trader Joe's Crash Course for the Uninitiated

With new Trader Joe's Supermarkets popping up weekly 'round these parts (there are at least 4 within 5 miles of me), I thought I'd take some time to impart a sampling of the knowledge I've accrued being a regular Trader Joe's shopper to make the transition for the Whole Foods/Foodmaster regulars as smooth as Trader Joe's White Bean and Basil Hummus. Before I get into the culinary/strategy nitty-gritty, there are a few things you should know about what will furthermore be referred to as TJ's.

1. Trader Joe's almost exclusively sells items from their own Private Labels. This means, you won't be finding Cheerio's or Oreo's. Instead you'll have to settle for Joe's O's (delicious) and Joe Joe's (heavenly). This allows Trader Joe's to save lots of money by cutting out the middle man, while at the same time allowing them to oversee the quality of the ingredients.

2. Speaking of Quality ingredients, Trader Joe's has this to say about the products they sell:

Our logo assures that the products it is on contain NO artificial flavors, colors or preservatives; NO MSG; and NO added Trans Fats. In addition, ALL Trader Joe's private label products are sourced from non-genetically modified ingredients. 


3. Finally, if you enjoy trimming coupons and slogging through newspaper inserts for sales flyers, you will also be disappointed as Trader Joe's does not offer sales. The good news is, that their prices compare quite favorably to Market Basket are light years better than Whole Foods, especially considering that many of Trader Joe's products are organic and none contain any artificial ingredients.

Now that you've read all that and are sufficiently intimidated, take my hand and let me bring you to a place of PUUURE IMAGINAAAATION. At least that's the song I hear when I go inside a Trader Joe's, but maybe that's just me.

Here are a couple pieces of advice to make your grocery transportation as painless as possible:

-Trader Joe's parking lots are heinous. They are tiny and they are incredibly busy. Thusly, I bike whenever possible. I know this isn't feasible for everyone, but understand that you will need a hearty dose of ruthless to find a parking spot.

-Do not get a grocery cart under any circumstances (unless of course you are buying alcohol, more on that later). The aisles are narrow and choked with people and you will bring nothing but carnage and frustration
upon yourself if you try to scoot around with one. Use a hand basket and thank me later.

-Finally, you're going to want to bring your own bags. Trader Joe's does offer paper bags if you forget, but I think they are manufactured in hell.

As you can probably tell from the picture above, you can't carry more than a bag of tortilla chips without the flimsy handles tearing off and sending your perishables on a parking lot adventure. Don't say I didn't warn you.

With all that out of the way, let's get down to brass tax. Because all of the food is "Trader Joe's" brand, it is incredibly overwhelming setting foot into one for the first time. Probably akin to going to a supermarket in a foreign country. The good news is, almost everything is delectable. And I have tried everything, believe you me. Here are some of my favorite items, and a few items that didn't tickle my fancy.

AWESOME:

Trader Joe's Pita Chips/Trader Joe's Hummus - Less than $2 each, and both are incredibly delicious. The Chipotle Pepper Hummus does not last 24 hours in my house. MMM!

 +

Trader Joe's Tamale's - $2.29 for 2. If you have ever had these, you will know why I bring them lunch every week without fail. Shredded beef and soft masa in a corn husk. So simple, so PROFOUNDLY DELICIOUS.

Trader Joe's Tomato and Roasted Red Pepper Soup- Sounds a little bizarre, but out of this world awesome. I also love the creamy tomato soup, but the red pepper adds a little extra tang and flavor. I like to put TJ's Oyster crackers in it. So delicious and less than the cost of a crappy can of Campbell's soup. SERIOUSLY.

-DESSERT Before I go any further let me just say that I don't really care for dessert. I like ice cream from time to time, but as far as cakes and pies go, I can take it or leave it. That was before I started sniffing around at TJ's. I cannot tell you how many time's I've had something in my hand, being all wishy-washy and then I remembered the last Trader Joe's dessert I had and it immediately goes into my basket. I am not a huge fan of the MOCHI like SS is, (maybe he isn't either and just likes to say it/yell it to/at Katie), but from the Sorbet to the Creme Brulee', C'est MAGNIFIQUE.

 

-WINE/BEER Finally, last but not least is alcohol. Mind you, not every Trader Joe's carries alcohol, but when they do, hold onto your butts because you will be 30 minutes late to whatever you have planned and adding a cool $50 to your grocery bill. The good news is that $50 in Trader Joe's booze goes a LOOOOONG LOOOONG way. Don't believe me? Might I interest you in some 3-buck-chuck? In addition to this, Trader Joe's carries it's own brand of wines and beers and hundreds of other varieties, many for less than $6 a bottle. That is obscene. And they are largely fantastic. $5 for a six-pack of TJ's beer? Yes please. $4 for some Riesling? Why not. Just practice that response and you'll be just fine.

The Less Good

Here are a few Trader Joe's offerings that you should stay away from, or at least follow my instructions diligently.

- Produce. Apples = Good. Oranges = Good. Frozen Veggies = Super. Bags of lettuce? Liquefy 6 hours after you open it. Unfortunate, but them's the rules in the little town of "No Preservatives".

- Another rule is that your cheese and breads will sprout unsightly mold spots faster than you can say "Who wants some crackers and EWWWW." Fine if you are having a dinner party and will use it all at once. Otherwise, no amount of Tupperware/Vacuum Sealer can keep your refrigerator from making a sacrifice to the Mold Gods.

- I had some Trader Joe's Tuna thing about a year ago that was very strange and blechy. I think this is a picture of it.

- They have really cheap ($1) chocolate advent calendars for Christmas every year that I always buy, but the Chocolate always tastes like it should have an MSDS. I bought one again this year too and brought it to work. Oh well, they eat it early and out of order so serves them right.

Moral of this story. GO TO TRADER JOE'S. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

HEALTHY LIKE WHOLE FOODS. CHEAP LIKE MARKET BASKET.

Hey, they should put that on their ads. If they had ads. Which they don't.

For the Star Wars Geek in your Life

After initially offering it as an April Fool's joke, Thinkgeek.com somehow gained the approval of Lucasfilm and are now legitimately manufacturing the Tauntaun sleeping bag for the masses. The response from their April Fool's joke was apparently so incredible that they had no choice but to try and get the thing made. If you aren't familiar, this is a play on the iconic Empire Strikes Back scene where Han Solo places Luke inside of a dead Tauntaun to keep him warm during an ice storm. The scene is re-enacted hilariously below WITH a Tauntaun sleeping bag. As you can probably see, the sleeping bag has a Lightsaber zipper and is lined with Tauntaun guts, of course. It's $99, and available for preorder at thinkgeek.com. Unfortunately, the chances of a Star Wars nerd actually using it for camping are slim to none.



If you're on a budget, might I direct your attention to the equally hilarious Yoda backpack. Perfect for Jedi Training and only 34.99 at thinkgeek.

Review: New Moon

Since I know Mike won't review it, I will. This Saturday I sat through the amazingly entertaining New Moon, the second installment in the Twilight saga. Though I have not read the Twilight books, I've heard about them all from my girlfriend and I've read all there is to read on Wikipedia. I'm also a sucker for stories, lore, and mythology so I have to admit I would have seen this movie even if my girlfriend hadn't wanted to go. Note: my girlfriend is not a 13-year-old although about 95% of the people we saw the movie with were 13YOG's.

To start, let me say that this movie was unintentionally hilarious and worth seeing. I would rate it a -7 on JL's Absolute Value Movie Scale which ends up being a solid 7 (out of 10). For someone unfamiliar with New Moon I would explain it by saying that watching it is like watching a soap opera about vampires. The score is intermittent at best so there are long silent shots of people staring at each other longingly/lovingly/hungrily. The "hungrily" comes because some of the characters want to alternately eat each other and make love with each other and it's often hard to tell which. This is but one of the reasons this movie is very funny. The barely-restrained kissing/biting is a fantastic metaphor for abstinence. This lack of sex makes (and biting) fits in nicely with the movie as well as with Meyer's Mormonism.

The soap opera feel pervades the entire movie which actually felt long at times. The use of CGI was fine but at this point, acceptable CGI is more of a hygene factor (see A Sound of Thunder). In my view, the best parts of the movie surround the extremely buff werewolves.

As you can see in this promotional photograph, these dudes love to run arond in board shorts and not much else. This picture is entirely true to the movie in that they only wear board shorts in the movie as well! Somehow no one questions their lack of clothes, as when the big one (pictured above) runs out of the woods carrying the main character, drops her off at a police barricade, and retreats back into the woods. No questions are asked of this big fella.

In all this was an extremely entertaining movie and I would recommend it. It's much more fun than hanging out in the freezing woods with no clothes on.

Sweet Indie Band of the Week: The Middle East

The Middle East are a talented music troupe hailing from Townsville, Australia. Their songs are equal parts folky and dreamy, and regularly feature mixed harmonies and ambient noises to supplement traditional orchestration. The track Blood, off their EP The Recordings of the Middle East, is a perfect encapsulation of their sound. It has finger-picking, a delicate piano/xylophone part, and ghostly vocals that intersect at harmonies and fall away again. Check it out.

'Blood' The Middle East

the middle east | MySpace Music Videos

IT CAN'T BE TRUE

E-Grace

Driving back and forth to New Hampshire is not my preferred method of burning four hours, but the experience does afford one a unique opportunity for reflection, something I otherwise take great pains to avoid. There's something about putt-putting down familiar streets and queuing up a few forgotten songs that gets the mind a-wandering. In my case, it precipitates the humbling realization that I am supremely lucky. Not to wax existentially, but although I have yet to accomplish anything of merit in this life, I feel as though I've been acquiring the necessary tools from those around me until that day comes.

We are nothing if not a reflection of our parents love and sacrifice, so I suppose my happiness and ambition is the best compliment I can bestow upon my parents. The moral compass and humility that they instilled in me through their words and actions is something I grow more grateful for everyday.

However, I would be remiss if I thought that devoted parents alone are what it takes to fashion a decent human being. This is the part where I thank every friend for simply being that. Someone to talk to, someone to see a movie with, someone to offer advice, experiences or just a new perspective that makes the day-to-day a little bit easier and in the process shapes your character. The role that friends play in one's life cannot be overstated. To paraphrase Clarence from It's A Wonderful Life, "No man is a failure who has friends."

Lastly, I am thankful for my career which has indulged my scientific mind while providing me a steady paycheck and coworkers that I respect and admire. To have a job that you enjoy AND pays the bills is no small feat these days.

I hope that you too are reading this somewhere warm, surrounded by the ones you love. 

Last Lil Wayne related post of the week (I promise)

Let's file this under 'Questionable Parenting'. Reportedly, Lil Wayne's daughter Reginae (also known as "Baby Carter") has teamed up with T.I.'s daughter Zonnique (known as "Star") to form the group 'OMG Girlz'. They have a song, titled 'Ain't Nobody', on their myspace here, and will almost certainly feature guest spots from their respective daddies, which is the only reason I'm remotely interested in this story. I can only hope that Reginae doesn't have her fathers flair for vulgarity and poo references. Wait that's only half true. I love the poo verses.

It's been a slow news week, I've been sickly, and one can't blog whilst driving back and forth to New Hampshire. This leaves precious little time for the blog posts you've all come to admire and expect. I'll promise to be a bit more thorough in the coming days. In the meantime, here are a couple cool videos.

Jimmy Fallon covering Neil Young covering Will Smith



Shaolin Monk balances on 2 fingers


Actual quote from the President's 'Educate to Innovate' speech earlier this week. Obama's the coolest:

For Relaxing Times...

No Ceilings/The Carter Documentary

Lil' Wayne is certainly making the most of his time before he is sentenced to jail in February. The past month has seen him release his No Ceilings mixtape (for free online) and The Carter Documentary, a film that chronicles his life in 2008, before and after the release of his critically-acclaimed smash The Carter III. Both of these feature Wayne in rare form, and offer fleeting glimpses into the life of a music icon and the pressure that goes hand-in-hand with fame.

As I've said before, Mixtapes arguably contain Lil Wayne at his creative peak, unadulterated by hooks and musical interludes. He simply borrows a great beat and unleashes himself upon it, and more often than not, eclipses the source material. No Ceilings is no exception.

Is there anyone else who can unflinchingly rap about Windows Vista, Michael Phelps, Cambridge, pet canaries and Alvin and the Chipmunks and still sound menacing? Lil Wayne does all of this on No Ceilings before he even INTRODUCES the mixtape itself. The rest of the mixtape is equally enlightened, as Wayne continues to find new euphemisms for shit and new ways to toot his own horn. As he has said before, he is not like us, he is a martian. I'm starting to believe him.

His only missteps on the album come when he attempts to inject some of his young money crew into the mixtape. While they rap admirably, they sound lazy and uninspired when sandwiched between Weezy's verses. But then again, who wouldn't. The entire mixtape is a bittersweet affair, as one can't help but feel a twinge of sadness when they realize the brilliant Wayne will spend most of his next year incarcerated.

The Carter documentary is a similarly bittersweet project, and among other things, it makes me downright frightened to envision Wayne in jail, stripped of the two things that give him purpose; syrup and a microphone.  While it has been said before, the documentary shows the massive role that drug-use and recording play in his life. He is rarely filmed without a styrofoam cup of syrup or more than 5 feet away from the microphone. Often sipping from the cup between verses, his eyes completely glassed over but his mouth continuing to rhyme like a man possessed. His addiction is even harder to watch when it follows interviews with his 10 year old daughter and his manager. How much his daughter understands is debatable, but his manager has the unmistakable look of a man defeated, as he details other times he's tried to help Wayne kick the habit. When you are one of the most powerful men in the world, you don't hear the word NO. Plain and simple.

The documentary has the voyeuristic quality of an episode of Intervention, but without the rehab and accountability. Just the slow, steady spiral of a man surrounded by loved ones, but wholly alone. I couldn't help but feel a bit personally responsible for the situation he now finds himself in. The public is sustaining his lifestyle, glorifying it, eating up every bit of it. We are completely willing to look the other way so long as he continues to put out new material.

I have no doubt that Wayne's substance abuse will result in his premature death within the next 5 years if he doesn't get clean soon. Who knows, maybe prison is the best thing that could happen to him at this point in his life, forcing him to face his demons and put his life in perspective. The demons that come with fame are many, and they can not be conquered alone. Until Lil Wayne stops self-medicating himself, they will only continue to grow. Just ask Kurt Cobain.

ANTICHRIST

Antichrist, where do I begin? If you travel in film circles, you've undoubtedly heard of Lars von Trier's 2009 film starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainesbourg as grieving parents struggling to come to terms with the death of their son. Since premiering at the Cannes Film Festival earlier this year, the word of mouth, for better or worse, for this film has been all-encompassing. This buzz has less to do with the themes of the film and more to do with its INSANE 3rd act that throws all humanity to the wind.

Let's first address the film on its artistic merits. It is impeccably shot, melding super slo-mo scenes and black and white clips to establish an eerie grace and beauty in otherwise horrific scenes. The use of sound in this film is also exceptional, using something as simple as acorns rolling down a rooftop or a steady rain to elicit the paranoia and anxiety that one can feel in an unfamiliar, exposed environment.

The story of the film is simple. A couple loses their son in a terrible accident that they may or may not have been able to stop. The grief-stricken wife is nurtured by her psychiatrist husband who dismisses all medical treatment or mourning, instead forcing her to confront her fear of the woods at a time when she is at her most emotionally vulnerable. She resists, and slowly spirals into savage insanity. Dafoe's character is emotionless and sterile, treating his wife like a patient and addressing her as such and never allowing himself to engage in the grieving process with his wife. He pressures his wife to embrace aspects of nature she fears, while at the same time resisting her own. Needless to say, they come out anyway.

This is the overarching theme of this film. The pitfalls that arise from trying to harness and conquer nature, both tangible and within yourself. Several scenes depict terrifying events that occur in nature thousands of times a day, and the characters are aghast. Baby birds preyed upon by hawks, a partially-birthed stillborn fawn, a fox eating itself. All of these images underscore the emotionless rule of nature. Kill or be killed, eat or be eaten, prey or be preyed upon. The characters project emotion and despair upon a world that knows none, and are consumed by it to equal and opposite measures. By rebuffing and challenging nature, the characters are denying a part of themselves. While this may be possible in a civilized society, this is foolhardy behavior to ascribe to a place in which only chaos reigns.

There are certainly more complex biblical, sexual, psychological themes here, but these are underdeveloped and in large part supplements to the thematic core of the film.

Sweet Indie Band of the Week: Yeasayer

I know Yeasayer has been around a couple years, but I haven't really given them the time of day until I heard their newest diddy 'Ambling Alp' on XM a few weeks ago. Starting like a standard Animal Collective jam with woodblocks and splashes, the song lurches into a tribal drumbeat and a spacey guitar parts before a deliciously poppy verse and chorus rises, challenging the listener to "stick up for yourself son, never mind what anybody else does". It sounds like syrupy mush, but it's the unique chaos of the production that really sets it apart from other Top 40 tripe. It even has a saxophone breakdown for chrissakes. If this is what we can expect from Yeasayer's sophomore album Odd Blood, Animal Collective may have some psychedelic competition. Give it a listen.


 

Bob Dylan Gets Festive

When you're arguably the greatest songwriter of your generation, you're allowed a few artistic indulgences. More often than not, that usually means a Christmas album. Even the immortal Bob Dylan is not immune.

Christmas in the Heart is Bob Dylan's holiday gift to us all, featuring covers of Silver Bells, Do You Hear What I Hear? and Winter Wonderland, among others. Those who dismiss this as some sort of underhanded moneygrab be damned, as the proceeds benefit Feeding America, a hunger-relief charity.

To promote this album, Dylan has released a music video for the track "Must Be Santa" that features a holiday party and a teleporting, seemingly sedated/drunk Bob rabble rousing until the whole thing gets a little out of hand.

Bob Dylan's gravely growl may not seem the ideal vehicle for spreading Christmas cheer, and I'm not even going to speculate on who thought the world was clamoring to hear Bob Dylan eviscerate Little Drummer Boy. I'm going to simply assume this is Bob having a little fun in his old age and excusing it by donating the proceeds to charity. Fine by me.

What Is Avatar and why so much hub-bub?

Avatar (Not to the confused with The Last Airbender, sorry SS) is an upcoming science fiction film directed by James Cameron (Terminator, Titanic) which promises to revolutionize the medium of film as we know it. The story involves a paralyzed marine who regains use of his legs by becoming an Avatar on another planet populated by the Na'vi (the blue things seen below).

As the story progresses, the Marine falls in love with one of the aliens and is understandably conflicted when Earth attacks this planet. Mixing part CGI, part Live-action and part Motion Capture, Cameron developed several groundbreaking technologies to put this story to film. If that weren't enough, the film will be released in 3D using the new Fusion digital 3D system, developed by Cameron himself. Unsurprisingly, this new technology does not come cheap. A recent article claimed that it's total budget was almost $500 million dollars, a serious amount of cash to pony up for an alien love story, but considering the fact that Titanic took in almost 2 billion dollars worldwide, I suppose there are riskier ways to invest $500,000,000.

Even though this film features no A-list actors and has a plot line that sounds like a video game, the buzz has been deafening since Cameron premiered 15 minutes of the film to the rabid masses at Comic-Con in July. Apparently what transpired on the screen was so awe-inspiring that some critics ranked these mere 15 minutes amongst their top 100 films of the decade. Many called it "the future", likening it to the first Technicolor film. Others claimed that it washed over them like a drug, stimulating parts of the brain that dormant during traditional films (seriously).

These facts certainly point to something special, but I've already expressed my skepticism regarding motion-capture technology in film and I'm having a hard time believing that a 3 hour Sci-Fi-Motion-Capture-Alien-Romance-Action-Epic will make a profit, let alone change film forever.

Avatar is released December 18th, 2009.

Comedy

Inspired by Newsweek's list of 12 UNFUNNY Comedians, I'm going to try and offer a few talented comedians people can turn to when they are tempted by the open arms of a Dane Cook or Jeff Dunham. I'll admit that comedy is a very subjective beast, and I have no doubt that it is supremely difficult to both relate to people and do so in a unique way. Unfortunately, the aforementioned comedians only do one, or none. Here are some of my favorite comedians:

Paul F. Tompkins - Flat-out hilarious. Great delivery, great use of sarcasm. Talks about the most mundane things and makes them a complete riot.

Jokes.com
Paul F. Tompkins - Phone Lover
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Patton Oswalt- While certainly not accessible (or PC), he has unparalleled energy an a self-deprecating style that keeps his cynicism in check.

Jokes.com
Patton Oswalt - Liquor Ads
comedians.comedycentral.com
Read Patton Oswalt's biography Watch Patton Live at the New York Comedy Festival Find more from this comedian in the Shop.

Zach Galfianakis- His casual, deadpan delivery was funny way before The Hangover and is still funny now.

Jokes.com
Zach Galifianakis - Before the Hangover
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Demetri Martin- While some of his songs are hit or miss, his one liners and notepad jokes are a incredible.

Demetri Martin - Rock, Paper, Scissors

www.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Jim Gaffigan- If you don't laugh watching this Hot Pocket bit, you've probably never had a Hot Pocket. HOT POCKET!

Jokes.com
Jim Gaffigan - Hot Pocket!
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Jerry Seinfeld- The MASTER of the Comedic Domain. I've heard he's still performing new material, but his 'I'm Telling You For The Last Time' DVD is probably the best stand-up performance I've ever seen.

Dave Chappelle- Another brilliant, familiar name. While he has been funny on TV and in Movies, he's really at the top of his game with a microphone.

Pirate Radio....errr....The Boat That Rocked....errr.....Whatever

In The Boat That Rocked (hereby known by its American title Pirate Radio, don't get me started on that), a rogue group of radio DJs takes to the high seas to broadcast Rock and Roll to the UK in the 1960's, as it was illegal to do so on land. While it is said to be based on a true story, the creative liberties that Director Richard Curtis (Love Actually) takes with the story make it a far cry from a faithful retelling. Personally, I don't particularly care if the story is true or not, so long as it keeps me entertained. That is where the seas get a bit choppy.

Let's start with the good. The cast Curtis has assembled here is fantastic and includes Kenneth Branagh, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy and that guy from Shaun of the Dead (not Shaun) to name a few. They do well with what they are given, Branagh and Nighy especially. The soundtrack is great as well, using tracks from The Who, The Kinks and The Rolling Stones to great effect throughout the film, mostly in the form of montages. The real problem with this little movie stems from it's story.

I had read that Curtis was forced to trim 20 minutes off the film and slap a "Based on a True Story" sticker on the poster to make the story more appealing for American audiences. I'm here to tell you that he shouldn't have stopped at 20 minutes. At just a hair over 2 hours, the film feels painstakingly long. It takes less than half an hour for the major characters to be introduced and for the conflicts to be established, leaving the remaining 90 minutes to be spent chronicling women that are lured upon the boat and assorted displays of machismo by the DJs. Some of theses scenes work and elicit a chuckle, but none of them add to the overarching story in any way, shape or form. Comic relief is well and good, but when the film dances between music montages, boat parties and the stoic Branagh on the mainland over and over again, it grows stale quickly.

Ensemble pieces like this work best when everyone involved brings something unique to the table, otherwise none of the characters feel fully realized. While it's clear that Curtis attempts to do this, (one guy can't swim, another guy is dumb, etc) they all feel derivative and forgettable. With so many characters to satisfy there is also the risk of trying TOO hard, getting the story convoluted in a slew of sub-plots that distract from the real story. Also contained within this Good vs Evil tale is a coming-of-age story for a boy who never knew his father (Gee, I wonder if he'll find him), a tug-of-war between the two head DJ's (culminating in a lame climbing contest) and of course roughly 93 love stories. Curtis diligently skips back to the main conflict every few minutes, but these transitions feel more and more jarring as the other subplots attempt to take root.

This film, like the ship, has a lot of things going for it from afar: a great cast, an intriguing story, and a bitching soundtrack. Sadly, it takes on water from the start and even the capable hands of Curtis cannot keep her afloat. The only solution to a sinking ship is to ditch the dead weight and man the lifeboats. Instead, Curtis chooses to go down with the ship.