Sunday, June 26, 2011

Devastation on Beacon Street

Two weeks ago, I blogged about a small herb garden that I had started on my deck. I had low expectations, but was pleasantly surprised with the vivaciousness of my little seedlings. In fact, in the days that followed, several more green sprouts peeked out of the soil, and I began to research when I should start weeding out the smaller guys. I was even surprising myself with my diligent watering schedule and my paternal attachment to their success, but on Thursday afternoon I discovered an unsettling scene:

Complete at total destruction. Plants uprooted, soil strewn about, no sign of life. Little herblings that yesterday had been vying for space were now laying on their sides, stalks bent and twisted.

After the shock and anger subsided, I was on the case. I made sure to thoroughly document the crime scene and avoid contaminating evidence. I examined the surroundings, paying close attention to the significant amount of dirt on the railing and going downstairs to look for any plants that had been discarded off the deck onto the lawn below. I found nothing. After further investigation, I could not find any variety of plants "missing", though some certainly seemed to have been targeted specifically (Dill) and some emerged mostly unscathed (Basil). In fact, when I attempted to recreate the event, I concluded that it appeared as though the Dill section (3rd quadrant) had been dug out with a spade-like tool, leaving a deep crater behind.

With few leads, I had no choice but to make up a list of suspects and whittle things down one-by-one:

Suspect A: Birds (Black-capped Chickadee, specifically)

-Fucking EVERYWHERE around my house
-Love to eat seeds
-Can FLY (reach decks with ease)
-Unafraid of humans (ballsy)
-Nesting season in June (mouths to feed)

-Unlikely to afflict the large-scale carnage I discovered
-Not sure if they like herbs
-Birdfeeder on other side of deck

Suspect B: Eastern Gray Squirrel

-Enjoy seeds and nuts, sometimes even BONES if Wikipedia is to be believed.
-Extremely nimble, can scale decks easily
-Paws and snout extremely adept at digging
-Cold, dead eyes
-Also unafraid of humans

-More of a gatherer/hoarder than a random destroyer
-Unlikely to have thrown dirt onto railing with tiny paws
-Usually found with the pigeons and the homeless man down the street

Suspect C: Roommate

-On deck frequently
-Deck door open day of crime (Not a very hot day)
-Leaving apartment in August (Skipping country? Check extradition laws)
-Hands can easily scoop dirt and crush plant life

-Never acknowledged herbs
-Spends most time in room
-No garden tool at scene of crime

Other Persons of Interest:

Needlessly destructive
Can be assholes

Prefers rodents

-Soil splatter pattern

-No evidence of fire/charring
-Did not rain that day
-Planter was not obliterated

As of this post, the investigation is still open and I am following up on any and all leads. If you noticed suspicious activity on Thursday June 23rd, please contact me so the parties involved can be brought to justice.

1 comment:

  1. after some careful consideration, I'd say it was the cat, on the deck, with its paws. definitely the cat. or the roommate because he dislikes snarky blondes.