Who Do You Write Like?

I heard of the website I Write Like a few months ago, but it wasn't until this afternoon that I finally decided to give it a whirl and see if I am the second coming of Hemingway as I have been told. The premise of the site is simple. After a brief explanation of their service, you are instructed to paste some of your most recent musings, the longer the better. In fact, the site explicitly says "No Tweets", which should be self-evident. 140 characters is barely a sentence Couple that with the fact that most Tweets are unintelligible nonsense, and you can understand their policy. Sorry boys and girls, you don't Tweet like Shakespeare, although you both like to make up words. Long story short, I pasted in a few of my most recent blog posts to scope out my competition. To be fair, I also threw a few other things at it, to see if its algorithm had any merit. Well, I guess that wouldn't tell me anything, but I was curious. The results were intriguing.

Sample 1: My previous Gigantor Bike blog post.

Result:

I write like
William Gibson

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

I had not planned for this. I had no idea who William Gibson was. In fact, after Googling, I'm still not sure if they mean the playwright Gibson or the sci-fi writer Gibson. Either way, I was disappointed. I was hoping for a Fitzgerald or McCarthy, or at least someone notable that I could point to and say, "SEE!? This website understands me!". Maybe something to validate all those blog posts I wrote when I didn't know if anyone was reading it. Nope, William Gibson it is. I think it's probably because I used the word Gigantor like 8 times, and that sounds like a sci-fi sort of word.

I didn't think the first entry I used was a fair sampling of my writing style, so I went back to find a piece that I was really proud of. I sifted through the recipes and song reviews (which as it turns out makes up 80% of this blog), and decided on my review of Kanye West's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. It's four paragraphs long, and feels hearty and thoughtfully written.

Sample 2: Album Review: Kanye West - MBDTF

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Lovecraft is the cult author responsible for some early 20th century horror and sci-fi writings. Well there you have it folks, I am abandoning this blog to become a sci-fi writer. If only I checked this website earlier I could have spared myself all the wasted hours! Verdict so far: this website is trash.

Obviously I'm not getting anywhere by plugging my own blog into the machine, but perhaps others might be received more favorably. To test this theory, I ran Ms. AG's most recent blog post (howtosinkasub.blogspot.com) through the website:

Sample 3: How to Sink a Sub Post #24

Result:

I write like
Stephenie Meyer

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

HA! HAHAHA! I shouldn't know who this author is, but I do, and I bet you do too. She is the woman who created the Pandora's Box called Twilight that has infected the brains of most women aged 14-60 and made them get tattoos like this. This is most unfortunate, and I agonized over whether or not to tell her. Since she was working on her resume, I decided to spare her.

I also tried a sample from SS's long defunct blog, Adventures of a Bat. He claims he deleted any evidence of it, but thats not how the internet works! Google Reader quickly directed me to his entire post archive. I used his epic review of NYC's Carnegie Deli.

Sample 4: Adventures of a Bat: Carnegie Deli Review

Result:

I write like
Chuck Palahniuk

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Pretty awesome if you ask me, but I'm not convinced SS knows who this is. Palahniuk wrote Fight Club, Choke, and many other deranged pieces that have no business coming out a normal human brain. So of course he has a massive cult following and was one of my favorite authors in college. You win again SS.

Obviously my feelings are conflicted at this point. As I saw from AG's  submission, things could have been a LOT worse, and if that came up for me I would probably end this blog, become an Alaskan hermit and refuse to pick up another pen for fear of unleashing another Twilight-sized plague upon the earth. SS's redeemed the website, but also made me grumpy and jealous. I decided to throw the site a curveball and submit a few Lil' Wayne verses. It probably almost crashed the website, but here's the result:

Sample 5: Lil Wayne - A Milli

Result:

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

WHAT?!?! Lil Wayne is brilliant and all, but there must be some mistake. His verses are most comparable to the man who wrote Ulysses, the 1,000 page novel widely regarded as one of the greatest novels of the 20th Century? Well I'll be. Now my only hope is to destroy the credibility of the website with trickery and tomfoolery. I picked a random paragraph from Huckleberry Finn with the hopes that the site would say something ridiculous and we could all have a laugh.

Final Sample: Mark Twain - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Result:

I write like
Mark Twain

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

.......

Shit.

What Up With That? Gigantor Bike Edition

Inspired by the recurring SNL sketch of the same name, I'm going to embark on my own "What Up With That" series of blog posts that will shed light on something strange and attempt to tease out why it is how it is, sort of like Balderdash. Today's installment: Gigantor Bikes

I have seen these Gigantor Bikes a lot around my apartment, and I can't say that I approve or understand. If my eyes serve me, there appear to be two bike frames set on top of one another, with a very long chain connecting the two. They are probably 7 feet tall, making the person riding them nearly ten feet tall from wheel to noggin. This allows them to see great distances and over most vehicles, but also quite wobbly and difficult to maneuver. The cons outweigh the pros in this regard. Perhaps they are a gateway bike, a tricycle for those wanting to learn unicycle, but with shoddy balance. The Gigantor bike allows them to feel as though they are riding atop a unicycle, but without the fear of imminent death. Here's another young man aboard his Gigantor:

An alternate theory is that this is a clever game of hipster oneupmanship. Hipsters are known to be a competitive bunch, and while their competitions once revolved around mustaches, times have changed, and they have set their sights on fixies. Being that every hipster worth his salt has a fixie chained outside his apartment, it is only logical that one sect of hipsters should attempt to "raise the bar", in hopes of leaving helpless posers below. It is a classic power play of which no one can claim immunity. In olden days, hip-hop artists measured themselves against one another purely on the basis of the hydraulics and "lift" of their vehicles. It wasn't until a vehicle bounced completely onto its roof that the fad began to fade. I'm afraid it will take a tragic accident of this magnitude for hipsters to realize the error of their ways. Historians say that even Civil War Generals William T. Sherman and Robert E. Lee spent many days "pimping" their horses before battle in the attempt to gain "cred" from allied forces. Unlike war and rap, hipsters follow no rules, so I can only hope that the following image is striking enough to shame them back into a single story bike.

This is where you are headed. This man is still stuck on top of this bike somewhere in rural Canada, subsisting on rainwater from gutters, and whatever flies into his mouth. It is a miserable existence, and I fear, and inevitable one if this trend continues. Boneshakers though, I wouldn't seeing those make a comeback.

EDU: Chipotle Beef Short Ribs

This.


This was my first meal of 2011. You were probably cleaning champagne off your carpet or praying that nobody was making an horror movie mess of your bathroom. I was just settling down for dinner. It wasn't supposed to be this way, but as you can see from the photo above, everything turned out a-ok. While I would like to take credit for this recipe, it was in fact a gem from Chez Paul, as translated through Gmail and SVS's capable hands. I was the simple photographer, and sous chef when the situation called for it. Mostly, I drank and did as I was told. Perhaps I should try this more often.


What you need for the Short Rib Rub:


1 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp cumin, 
1 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp coriander


Combine these spice and rub onto meat (Approximately 8 Short ribs). Refrigerate the meat for a couple hours. This would be a good time to go to another party like we did.

These are the items you will need when you actually start cooking:


2 Tbsp Olive oil
1 large Onion
6 Cloves Garlic
14 oz can of Chicken broth
1 cup of drained diced tomato
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
1 Tbsp Chipotle (Adobo) Chilis 
2 Large Anaheim Chilis (seeded and cut into small rings)
Cilantro and Lime wedges


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. While you wait for the oven to heat up, feel free to enjoy
Hors D'oeuvres that your guest brought, like delicious brown sugar Bacon-wrapped breadsticks or a variety of cheeses (below).

Also at this time, you should saute the short ribs in Olive oil and set aside. Lookin' good and smelling better! In case you were wondering, I think ribs were what the waitress puts on the Flintstone car in the opening credits of the cartoon. This realization only heightened the excitement. 

Then, using the same pan, chop up your Onion and mince your garlic, and saute until fragrant (~5 mins). Here is SVS demonstrating the Mike Liberati technique. 

Once these are done, add the Chicken Broth, canned tomatoes, lime juice, and Chipotle chilis. Chipotle chilis come in cans that look like this and are often misspelled Chilpotle, which wikipedia has just informed me is an acceptable alternate spelling. Apologies. SVS chopped up 2 whole chilis, which were quite spicy. I asked him what he intended to do with the remainder of the nearly full can. His response "I have no idea.". Maybe he will make it into a hummus because that's his "thing" lately. 

Of course, it's was impossible to fit 8 3-inch short ribs into a single pan, so SVS needed to start another smaller pan for the last 2. Here he is scooping some of the sauce.  

This is where that oven comes into play. Place your ribs* back into the pan. Cover the pan and place in oven for approximately 1.5hrs.


*from here on, when I say "your ribs" I mean the 8 Beef short ribs and not those enclosed within your chest cavity. 

Just wow. I was ready to eat them at this point, but SVS insisted that we "cook" them. I told him our ancestors didn't have ovens and often ate raw food. He mentioned their average life span of 30 years. I conceded the argument. During the 1.5hrs, we ate more cheese, listened to music and played several rounds of Blokus. 

Blokus is just about the best 4 person game I know of. It's faster than Monopoly, and more strategic than cards. Also, you can really f people over, which is a crucial part to any fun game. Here were the scores when we finished playing. Note: Lower = Better

Let it be known that KK was just learning and was unfairly ganged up on. I have no excuse for my score. After 1.5hrs, the pans are removed from the oven and uncovered, cooking another 25 minutes on the stove-top to allow the sauce to thicken. Anaheim chili slices are added following this step, and cooked for 10 minutes or until soft. Here is the finished product just before plating. While the recipe mentioned nothing about waiting for the ball to drop, we decided not to steal Dick Clark's thunder and wait an extra two minutes. It was served over mashed potatoes and paired with champagne.  

It was fantastic. The ribs were unbelievably tender and slid right off the bone just like they say in all those commercials. The sauce was spicy and oily, and was sopped up admirably by the mashed potatoes. I'm sure the leftovers were the envy of everyone at SVS's work this morning. 

Top 25 Songs of 2010: 5-1

Well here we have it. The Top 5 Songs of the year, from somebody who knows what he's talking about. Or at least is pretentious enough to say he does. I'll probably get around to doing my top albums and top films over the next few weeks (still have oodles of movies to catch up on), but this should tide you over until that blessed day. Here are my 5 favorite songs of the year.

5. Sufjan Stevens - Vesuvius

48 States left,
Sufjan takes a different trip.
Sorry no refunds.

4. Big Boi - Shutterbugg

Talkbox rattles teeth.
A treble and bass orgy.
Still missing Outkast?

3. Cee-Lo Green - Fuck You

Poor Cee-Lo gets dumped.
30 million views later,
I think he'll be fine.

2. Kanye West - All of the Lights 

Kanye's masterstroke.
Even Fergie can't kill it.
Goodbye Taylor Swift.

1. Robyn - Dancing On My Own


Step 1: Turn up loud.
Step 2: Listen. Dance. Feel chills.
Step 3: See Step 1.

Top 25 Songs of 2010: 15-6

Hello. I hope you had a nice holiday. Mine was great too, thanks for asking. Let's cut these formalities and get back to business. It is snowing, and threatens to stay that way through tomorrow, dumping up to 20 inches on the hungover masses. When it comes to Nor'easters, shoveling is futile until it's all over. You're better off putting on that new sweater, making some cocoa, and finding a movie marathon worthy of your valuable time. But before you get sucked into that sedentary vortex, take a few minutes and join me as I countdown another ten great songs.

15. Rihanna - Only Girl (In The World)


Tasty techno pop,
"Natural Woman" with bass,
Helps me run up hills.

14. Warpaint - Undertow

Pretty. Dangerous.
Don't say they didn't warn you.
I hope you can swim.

13. The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio

Mistakes and regrets.
Madness in the minutiae,
Don't ever get old.

12. Janelle Monae - Cold War

Sonic chameleon
Does Rihanna impression,
But with better hair.

11. Yeasayer - O.N.E.

African arcade
Meets sappy break-up anthem.
Please add more quarters.

10. Arcade Fire - Ready to Start



Angry teens rejoice!
Grown ups hate everything too!
Now go to your room.

9. All I Want- LCD Soundsystem

Murphy boosts Bowie,
but with his signature bloops.
Forty and Emo.

8. The Tallest Man on Earth - King of Spain

One part skinny jeans,
Extract of Dylan, Sweden.
Add mustache to taste.

7. Vampire Weekend - Giving Up the Gun

New Western epic
Starring Nic Cage and Tom Hanks.
Oscars guaranteed.

6. Crystal Castles ft. Robert Smith - Not In Love

Emo king stays young,
Lends voice to boring techno,
Turns it into gold.

Top 25 Songs of 2010: 25-16

After spending way too long writing song synopses last night, I had an epiphany. They don't really matter. The songs are fantastic, and a write-up or lack thereof will not change anything. A simple picture, a sentence, and a link to the song should be more than sufficient to get the point across. As such, each song on todays installment will now be accompanied by a haiku instead of a long-winded paragraph. Happy reading.

25. Das Racist - You Oughta Know


Not white. Not black either.
Cadillacacacacacac!
Yes, they're serious.

24. Gold Panda - You


Put on your space suit,
Alien abduction rave.
Hope I don't get probed.

23. Gorillaz - On Melancholy Hill


Coldplay is that you?
Nope, just some cartoons in love.
Oh, right. That makes sense.

22. Waka Flocka Flame - No Hands ft. Roscoe Dash and Wale


Bologna hatin'
Made me buy some Moscato.
It was pretty good.

21. Local Natives - Airplanes


What are you booing?
You should have thought about that,
before you dumped her.

20 - Donnis - Gone



Atlanta menace.
Family Matters, Maybelline.
Shit Fertilizer.

19 - Drake ft TI and Swizz Beatz - Fancy

Mopey Drake shuts up
Girls like Ziti and Riesling
Mental note taken.

18. Beach House - Take Care


The snow is coming,
Come inside and have some tea.
No I am not gay.

17. Interpol - Barricade



Homeless bees and snakes.
Rest of album blew huge chunks.
I saved you ten bucks.

16. Perfume Genius - Mr. Peterson


Drugs and suicide.
Vague man + boy relationship.
I need an adult.