Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I will not mention Trader Joe's in this blog post apart from saying that as a kid, I would probably have hated TJ's for two reasons. No Candy (there is candy but it is TJ's candy and a little scary) and crappy cereal. I didn't have my eyes opened to petrified fruit and granola until recently, though I was born with an affection for sugar. Short of pixy stix, children's cereals are the most efficient sugar-delivery system known to modern man, and I tried darn near all of them, thanks in large part to my sleight of hand (putting it in the grocery cart when mom wasn't looking) and my sister's shameless pouty face. This will not be a comprehensive ranking, but a synopsis of the best and worst. I should note that this is not a scientific study and the opinions represented in the blog are those of Michael Dunn and are not reflective of blogspot or pseudo-hipsters as a whole.
Cheerios- I couldn't have given two craps about my cholesterol when I was 10, but there's a reason Cheerios are the most popular cereal in America. The complete antithesis of a children's cereal but still so good. Also a nice way to cleanse your palate between bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. People will probably whine about Honey-Nut Cheerios but those people are dolts.
Frosted Mini-Wheats- Have you ever SEEN regular shredded wheat? They are HUGE, and probably taste like munching on a bale of hay. But SACREBLEU just shrink them and dunk them in frosted sugar and you have yourself a slam-dunk of a breakfast cereal. The true measure of a cereal is how it stands up in milk, and Frosted Mini Wheats are BETTER soggy, which tells you all you need to know.
Magic Stars (Lucky Charms)
When supermarkets reverse engineer (steal) popular cereal formulae, you get Magic Stars, known by most children as Lucky Charms. While the name sounds like 'Lucky Charms' run through some crappy translation service, make no mistake about it, these are the same freeze-dried marshmallows you know and love. Lucky Charms can also be used as an educational tool, as they teach children the value of patience. Save the marshmallows until the end or you'll be left with a bowl of kibble . Also, who do they think they are fooling with NEW shapes?? Hourglass? Pot of Gold?? They all taste the same idiots.
Trix- Trix are cool but this is where caveats start to slip into the list. I have a hard time getting behind Trix because the kids in the commercials are such a-holes to the poor rabbit. C'mon guys, even Wile E Coyote gets closer to catching the Roadrunner than the miserable rabbit gets to tasting Trix. He's going to be so disappointed when he finally tastes it. Another reason why this is so far down the list is because this is my dad's favorite cereal and whenever Mom bought it he would get mad if we ate it so we didn't.
Reese's Puffs - Reese's Puffs are incredible, and the only reason this is so far down the list is because this is the ONE cereal my mom refused to buy for us. But she couldn't stop my friend's mom's from buying it for them, muahahaha. By the way, more candy companies need to come out with cereals, it's a no brainer guys. Could you imagine Twix cereal? Snicker Puffs? Skittle Crisps? (gross)
Cap'n Crunch/Kix/Chex/Rice Krispies/Corn Pops - I'm lumping all these together because while great, they all have fatal flaws. Captain Crunch scratches the roof of your mouth. Kix is so perfectly spherical that its nearly impossible to eat a bowl without choking. Chex gets incredibly soggy/mushy/disgusting in 10 seconds. Rice Crispies are like eating insect larvae. Corn Pops get too slimy and slippery.
Cocoa Puffs- If any cereal is too sweet, it is Cocoa Puffs. The last thing I want to do after eating a bowl of chocolate balls is drink a glass of 10 Molar Chocolate Milk. There is a limit to sugar that children can handle and Cocoa Puffs found it.
Cookie Crisp- Cookie Crisp has a devout following but I have never seen a single person eat a bowl. Maybe it's a West Coast thing, or maybe Churches buy them when there are communion wafer shortages because that's exactly what they taste like.
Fruity Pebbles - In the land of cereal, Fruity Pebbles are the idiot cousin of Rice Krispies. Oh what's that you say? Let's take the single redeeming quality of Rice Krispies (taste) and replace it with syrupy sweet and strangely tangy fruit flavors that will make you want to brush your teeth and give the rest to the dog.