EDU: Tomato Paella

This is what I made tonight. Delicious, no? Well, in the interest of full disclosure, this picture is from the New York Times, but my tomato Paella looked very close to this, and in some ways better (just LOOK at the haphazardly strewn about tomatoes). It's such an easy recipe that I feel a bit sheepish about devoting a whole blog post to it, but so awesome I almost feel obligated. Here goes:

Note: I realized some of my earlier cooking blog posts were a little vague when it came to ingredients, measurements, etc. I'm going to try to remedy that here, but no promises.

Ingredients:
3 cups water
1/2 cup white wine
1 1/2 pounds ripe tomatoes, cored and cut into thick wedges
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 medium onion, minced
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon tomato paste
Large pinch saffron threads
1-2 teaspoons Spanish pimentón (I just used 1 tsp and it was plenty)
2 cups Spanish or other short-grain rice
Minced parsley and basil for garnish


Very simple ingredients, especially in the summer. I had to run out to grab some wine, some Spanish rice and some Pimenton (which turns out to be paprika, but who knows what they have in their spice cabinet at any given moment). Here is a picture of my ingredients at the metaphorical "starting line":

Everything you need is pictured. Except for saffron (SHIT IS EXPENSIVE). The laptop is there for me to scroll around with my unsoiled pinky to try and figure out what the hell I'm doing. Note the large pan in the background. I used all of it. If you're not sure how much space you need, always give yourself more. A wise man told me that (Ratatouille, I think). Sometimes it helps to have nice music playing to set the culinary mood, but tonight my hands were covered in tomato entrails before I realized I didn't have anything playing. I would recommend some nice Merengue when you make paella. 

Like most recipes, you begin by saute'ing onions and garlic in olive oil. Ho-hum. Bear with me. I should have just used a stock photo for this.

While you saute the onions and garlic for 3-5 minutes, frantically cut your tomatoes into large chunks. The recipe says to "core" them, which is stupid. They aren't apples or avocados, jeez. I tried to be dainty around the less ride midsection, but I pretty much sliced the whole tomatoes into sixths. Once this is done, toss them in about a tablespoon of olive oil, add salt/pepper and let them think about what they've done.

After the garlic/onion get tender, add 1 TBSP (tablespoon, I'm not doing that to belittle you, I get them confused) of tomato paste, and 1-2 TSP of Paprika. Stir it up, and add half a cup of white wine. I used chardonnay, because I like chardonnay and had to drink the remaining 1.5 Liters minus 1/2 cup. Some of you may be asking why I didn't just buy a smaller bottle or one of those new-fangled non-alcoholic cooking wines at Trader Joes. Shut it. Drinking while cooking is integral to the process and is scientifically proven to improve taste bud performance. 

Once the wine is reduced a bit, add your Spanish rice. It should look like this. 

You may or may not be able to see the MASSIVE chunks of spice or whatever goodness Goya puts in their Spanish rice that makes it coagulate. You're going to need to break up these chunks whilst you stir the mixture. Once the rice is "shiny" (the recipe's words, not mine), add your water. This is shiny rice.

After you add the water, it will look like you drowned/ruined everything, but don't fret. 

Take a few deep breaths, and add your tomatoes really fancy-like. Oh, you should have pre-heated your oven to 450 a long time ago. Sorry! I never said I was a professional!

Slip this whole mess into the oven for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, try the rice and see how it tastes. If it's wet still, give it some more time. If it's dry, add some more water (or wine!) and give it another 5 minutes. I broiled it another 5 minutes to give the tomatoes a little personality. In the meantime, I sauteed the tatsoi from Wednesday in some olive oil and garlic and topped it with some slivered almonds. Here's the finished product on display in the waning sunlight.

Told you it was pretty. I put a little basil on for color, but it's not critical. Here's the plate in its 20 Amsden glory. 

It was yummy and John agreed. Great success. 

"Clipless" Pedals

Yesterday, fellow biker and dear friend SS wrote a detailed review of clipless pedals. He prides himself on his thoroughness in these reviews, so I was incredulous when he failed to mention how ABSURDLY dangerous they are. He wrote quaint anecdotes about the benefits of straps over laces and that the term "clipless" makes no sense, as you CLIP INTO THEM. Thus, I thought I already had clipless pedals. When I realized I didn't, I asked my parents to get me them for my birthday. Allow me to play bad cop.

I will concede that clipless pedals are inherently more efficient, as your feet are holstered in and can generate momentum over your entire stride. But, once that momentum is gone, there's the little matter of your feet still being attached to the bicycle. Let me back up a few steps before I paint this gruesome picture.

SPD shoes are pretty straightforward. They look like soccer cleats, but have little clips on the bottom. They feel like wearing ski boots, and when I walk around in them I sound like I am learning Jazz tap. This is a problem because I like to do errands on my bike rides. For example, I had to pack a pair of sandals to change into when I got to Trader Joe's on Monday. That valuable space could have been used for hummus or tamales in my backpack.

The act of physically clipping into the pedal is a little tricky, but is definitely a personal problem. More often than not I get my right foot in and spend the next 10-100 seconds feeling like one of Cinderella's evil stepsisters. Now let us return to where we left off. You are clipped in and come to a stop. You realize feet are still clipped in. You immediately experience the surge of adrenaline and fear that is known in scientific circles as "fight or flight". I liken it to the time I tried to leapfrog SS off his trampoline and found myself 7 feet in the air parallel to the ground. I flailed once and landed on my face. On the bike, you wiggle your foot frantically, and this happens:



Don't say I didn't warn you.

Produce Bonanza

June 9th may not carry any significance for you. But what if I told you June 9th (TODAY) is the opening of the Arlington Farmers Market? Still nothing? Well, when you do an inordinate amount of shopping at Trader Joe's, you'll appreciate vegetables that don't spontaneously liquefy upon leaving the store. I'm exaggerating, but if you've ever purchased their "mixed greens", you are likely nodding in agreement. SOME people buy a CSA and have to eat salads for breakfast. I go to the farmers market.

The Arlington Farmers Market runs from 2-6:30pm in the Russell Common parking lot in Arlington Center. Most vendors deal in more produce that you could shake a stick at, but I would be remiss if I left it at that. There are 2 bakeries, a stand specializing in goat cheese, another with an intimidating variety of Gouda, a restaurant, a salsa stand, a table of fresh fish in styrofoam, a bustling chocolate-caffeine booth (Taza?), and more. Maybe farmers market is a bit of a misnomer; perhaps "yummy boulevard" will catch on.

I leisurely biked down this afternoon (sans helmet, sorry mom and JL). hitched my bike to a parking meter (HA), and surveyed the merchandise. Lots of scary leafy greens that brought to mind adjectives like "sharp" and "itchy", but being the adventurous sort, I bought a few with the hopes that I could find a recipe to make them palatable. The critical part of this, of course, is remembering the name of the vegetable long enough to search for it when you get home. Otherwise, you will spend 20 minutes Googling "pointy lettuce" like I did, trying to find something that looks like it.

Here are my wares:

This is Tatsoi. Tatsoi is an Asian green. It was $2 a bunch. This is the one I couldn't remember and had to Google. I'm pretty sure it is Tatsoi. Most recipes I found for it involve the word "saute" which is French for "fry in butter", which is my favorite way to cook things I might not like. I found another recipe for Tatsoi that involved some sort of salad, but it looked complicated and I didn't have any of the other ingredients.

This is Bok Choy. It's not the finest specimen, and there were stands with better looking bunches, but the girl at this booth looked particularly forlorn to be selling Bok Choy on a Wednesday afternoon. I doubt my $2 and half-hearted smile made her day better (especially since it started raining as I was leaving), but who knows. I'm sure you know Bok Choy, but how do you cook it? When I saw this recipe entitled Bacon-y Bok Choy, I knew my recipe search had ended.

This is Garlic Scape. They look like something found on Fawcett's boot in the Lost City of Z. They smell like garlic. I asked the nice lady how to prepare them and she said "use it like Garlic" and then yelled "they are good in pesto!" as I was walking away. If you are going to sell a plant that looks like an infestation and sounds like an injury, you should have recipes queued up in your head for inquisitive minds. Well, wouldn't you know it, but I found a recipe for Garlic Scape Pesto. I need to buy some almonds and Parmesan, but it looks hard to mess up.

This is an "Provencal Marinade" goat cheese that is out of this world. This is the reason I wait for the farmers market with bated breath. I think Provencal is a French word French people made up to make American's feel stupid. I tried to pronounce it with nobility, but when the guy said "What?" I said "the P one" and pointed. I bought one for me and one for my friend Stefany because I told her I would and I don't like her when she's angry.

This is an Apple-Almond something. It's huge and I'm going to eat it for breakfast tomorrow. The sign for it said "better than Apple Pie!" which is unfathomable to me. What they should have said is "it's dessert you can eat for breakfast!". I ate a couple almonds that fell off when I put it on the plate and they were good. I'm probably going to forget it in my fridge or crush it in my backpack tomorrow, but at least I'll have this picture.

Song of the Summer

It's about this time of year; early June, when you open the eternal "roll down the windows" or "turn on the AC" debate, and freeze-pops become a viable hydration alternative, that what kind of music you are playing in your car becomes VERY important. If you're rolling down Mass Ave with open windows and bumping Return of the Mack, you may get some strange looks (I maintain that it's a great song). Here is a brief rundown of songs that are in the running for Song of the Summer; meaning, if you play this in a crowd of people, half will know it and sing along, and the other half will feel inadequate immediately look it up on iTunes when they get home. Understandably, nearly all of these are hip-hop.

Roscoe Dash - Show Out


B.O.B. - Past My Shades



Drake - Miss Me (ft. Lil Wayne)



Big K.R.I.T. - See Me On Top



LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrself Clean



Kanye West - Power

Listen HERE

Young Jeezy - Lose My Mind (ft. Plies)

Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule

As you may know, there are no shortage of pretensions here at Lollipops and Crisps. As Jeff Van Gundy would say, the best offense is a good defense and as such, most popular things are met with scorn and ridicule and a healthy dose of eye-rolling round these parts. See for example, my verbal disemboweling of the ventriloquist hack Jeff Dunham during my Summer Concert Preview entry last week. But sometimes, oh some glorious times, things that have merit become popular and for a brief moment, all is right in the world. Usually these take the form of an internet viral video. If we ever want to make friendly contact with alien life, our best bet is to beam AFV music montages into space. There's no way they would dare annihilate a planet where children are adorably swinging baseball bats into their parents genitals and cats losings their minds over a laser pointer. But I digress.

One such internet clip is the Adult Swim show Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule. I find most of the stuff on Adult Swim a little bizarre for my taste, but Dr. Steve Brule is another matter entirely. Filmed like a late 80's public access show, the 11 minute series features John C. Reilly as Dr. Steve Brule, a strange, curious man. Apparently the entire thing is a spin-off from another Adult Swim show, but like I said, I don't usually indulge. With that being said, the first episode of Check It Out! sets a new high water mark for AFV style comedy.

Seeing respected actor John C. Reilly tease out his hair, slur and stagger around the stage and blink through coke-bottle glasses would probably be pretty funny in any context, but run through this VHS low-budget, error prone filter, it takes on a whole new form. Perhaps Reilly is this goofy in real life, but where he unearths these mannerisms and attitude is beyond me. The whole thing might seem sad if he weren't equal parts affable and asshole. There's a Martha Steward like segment where he tries to learn about Shushi Sandwiches (sushi) and is hilariously inept, followed by another scene where he engages in a stare-down with a nutritionist who has the gall to question his credentials. The whole thing has a Borat-like quality, but make no mistake about it, there is no bold social commentary on display here, just Reilly hamming it up. Expecting the show to maintain this momentum is unreasonable, but if they are half as funny as the pilot, I'll be happy.

Part 1


Part 2


And finally, this video my sister showed me over the weekend of a girl coming out of Wisdom Teeth anesthesia. It is so funny we spent the next hour Youtube-ing "Wisdom Teeth" to more like this. We eventually gave up and just watched this ten more times.

Review: Janelle Monae - The ArchAndroid

I'm not sure people can really understand how audacious Janelle Monae's debut album The ArchAndroid really is. Part science fiction epic, part religious fable, it deftly dances across genres, while remaining wholly unique and coherent over 18 tracks. For a young, female R&B (I hesitate to call her that) artist to fully realize such an ambitious concept album is so rare that I struggle to come up with something to compare it to, and I think that's exactly what Monae is after here.

Alter-ego concept albums are a tired song and dance in Hip-hop. From Eminem nearly a decade ago, to the Beyonce/Sasha Fierce tug-of-war, it seems obligatory that a popular artist undergo some identity struggle and traipse it out as a concept album. The problem with these are that they are nearly always half-baked and never feel sincere. They are more acting audition than album, and it shows. Oh, you use a deeper voice for your angry alter-ego? How novel. You have a song about not recognizing yourself in the mirror? Poor you. Maybe now Janelle Monae's album has a bit more context. Not only does she have no "cred" whatsoever (that would allow her to try something this insane and not ruin her career if it tanked), she is completely and relentlessly in character here as Cindi Mayweather, the messianic android (seriously). She goes for it with an indomitable swagger that will beat you into submission if it can't charm your pants off.

The word "eclectic" seems to exist solely to describe this record. There are no fewer than 50 instrumental credits on the wikipedia entry for The ArchAndroid, and if I listened hard enough I could probably pick them all out. If that isn't enough, Monae's vocal gymnastics should probably count for another ten. From the DJ scratches that transition effortlessly into a caffeinated electric strum and a piano run of Faster that brings to mind a chrome old-time microphone in a smokey lounge to the sleepy synths of Cold War that aggressively lurch into Outkast-style frantic kick-drums and back-up coos. The homages here are dizzying. There's a song in which Monae hauntingly sings backwards that does not feel out of place (no small feat), followed by the absolutely jaw-dropping Oh, Maker that scales back the arrangements and production to allow for Monae's staggering Mariah Carey impression. The influences here are many, and Monae adapts like a chameleon to meet every one, all the while oozing the same brazen confidence. I'll be damned if I'm going to be the one to tell her otherwise.

If history is any indication, The ArchAndroid will likely join Sufjan Stevens "Illinois", David Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust" and The Beatles "Sargent Pepper" into the epic and flawless concept album pantheon. There is truly something here for any taste, any mood, or any species for that matter.

Summer Concert Overview

What's the best thing about summer? Going to the beach? Puh-lease, some of us have pasty complexions. Barbecuing? Fun, but how many days in a row can you eat a Kielbasa? Binge-ing on Fla-vor-ice? Perhaps. Personally, I love seeing live music in the summer, especially outdoors. Not necessarily on the lawn at a Dave Matthews Band concert between a cloud of pot smoke and a frat dude passed out on a beach towel (been there, done that), but there are worse things. 

Any band worth their salt tours in the summer. I can't even imagine what it's like to spend three months driving 5000 miles a 12 person van with no air conditioning, stained carpets, and the same 4 people. Miserable? Probably. Also, exciting and lucrative. Seeing a them live is the best way to show your support for your favorite band. Don't believe me? Read this. Bands make next to nothing on album sales and royalties, but retain a significant portion of ticket sales. Despite rampant music piracy and poor record sales, artist revenues have increased for the last 5 years thanks to touring. Travel the world and make a ton (debatable) of money? Where do I sign up?

Here's a list of a few concerts I plan to attend this summer and a few that you'd best avoid. 

6/8 Backstreet Boys - Bank of America Pavillion

Yes, these charming young men. Now old and destitute! If you really want to feel like you are in Middle School again, buy yourself a scrunchie, a tamagotchi, and watch Friends. Do not go to this concert. 

6/17 Jimmy Buffett - Comcast Center

This goes for you too mom and dad. If you want to have a Margarita in a tropical paradise, go to Aruba and order one. Drinking a Bud Light Lime at a Jimmy Buffett is not a viable alternative.    

7/1 GAGA - TD Banknorth Garden

Sorry Gaga, but these are surely out of my price range. I will make a pair of lit cigarette sunglasses and make poison sandwiches in your honor.   

7/12 Wolf Parade - House of Blues

After the cultural wasteland that was the month of June, I was beginning to rethink this blog post. Mercifully, along came Wolf Parade to turn things around. Their new album is nifty, and they put on a good show. Note: there are no wolves or parades during the act, contrary to popular belief. Although they did have a marching band walk through the crowd when I saw them.  

7/14 The Love Language - TT The Bears

LOVE LOVE The Love Language. I still can't believe they are not Vampire Weekend popular yet, but they will be soon, belee dat*. Do yourself a favor and see them if you have the chance. 

7/24 Bon Jovi/Kid Rock - Gillette Stadium

Somehow a Bon Jovi/Kid Rock concert sounds oddly appropriate. I am not condoning this behavior, but if you're looking for a parking lot to shotgun beers or commit misdemeanors in on the weekend of the 24th, Gillette stadium is the place to be.

7/31 The Black Keys with the Morning Benders - Bank of America Pavillion

If you want to have your face melted off, follow me here. I could probably hear them shredding from my apartment, but I'd rather get a little closer.

8/1 The Arcade Fire with Spoon - Bank of America Pavillion

It is a point of personal shame that I haven't seen The Arcade Fire live. This will not stand.

8/5 Local Natives - The Middle East

2010's indie darlings come to Cambridge. I blogged about them a few months ago but don't feel like looking it up. Use the search bar. 

8/6 Jeff Dunham - I'm not telling you where he is "performing"

Jeff Dunham brings his unfunny, racist brand of ventriloquism to Boston. If you see him, have seen him, or see him on the street, do me a favor and break his hands and ruin his career. I'll pay your legal fees.  

These last two concerts are technically September but September is technically still summer, so shut it.  And they look great.  

9/12 Vampire Weekend/Beach House - Bank of America Pavillion

9/17 Broken Social Scene - House of Blues

*believe that.

EDU: How to make Hummus

I made hummus yesterday. Usually I buy it from TJ's and never think twice*, but with a long weekend, the apartment to myself and the claws of boredom tightening their grip around my neck Monday afternoon, I hopped onto old reliable (allrecipes.com) and found a winner. It was called "Hummus III" and was submitted by RC2STEP, who claims to have pilfered the secret formula from a Boston restaurant. I don't consider Boston to be the peak in Middle Eastern dining, but the 815 people who voted it 5 stars probably know better than I.  Note: the picture above is the World Record largest batch of hummus. No pita in sight. Poor saps.

Here is what you will need:

Pita bread, roasted peppers (optional), parsley (garnish), lemon, garbanzo beans, garlic, salt, red pepper flakes (not pictured), a functional blender, and tahini.

Before I go on any further, a few notes on these ingredients.

1. Chickpeas are Garbanzo beans, and Garbanzo beans are chickpeas. You're welcome. Now you won't have to spend 15 minutes poring over the canned vegetables and getting THIS close to buying regular hummus and going home.

2. Tahini is not as common as you think. I got most of my ingredients from Stop n' Shop, and while they had Tahini, it was enveloped in an disconcerting layer of dust and no expiration date to speak of. It was also $7. Cocksure**, I said "I'm sure Trader Joe's has it" and left it on the shelf. Well, allow me to spare you the suspense. Trader Joe's did not have it, and in fact they directed me to Whole Foods like a lost child. I am aware Whole Foods has everything under the sun, I just want some damn tahini. Well I biked to Whole Foods (sans HELMET, don't tell JL) and bought some $4 organic tahini and patted myself on the back for saving 3 dollars but wasting 2 hours. My time is valuable.

This is a picture of the monstrosity that was the Stop n' Shop garlic. The lemon is there for scale. It was a large lemon. The recipe called for 2-3 cloves of garlic, but people suggested more. I THOUGHT 3 of the uber cloves was a good compromise. Note: the preceding literary device is called foreshadowing. It is often used by authors to bring attention to a seemingly innocuous plot point which will play a large role later in the narrative. 

Forgive the lack of photos here, but it was messy and there really wasn't much to see. I strained two cans of Garbanzo beans and saved the juice (we'll return to this), halved the garlic cloves and tossed them into the blender, along with the beans, 3T of Tahini (which is delicious by the way in a nutty, bitter way***), 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice, most of a jar of roasted red peppers, and some red pepper flakes. Here is a view from the side of the blender:

Note the layers. Another friendly tip; make sure the bottom of the blender is firmly secured to the body of the blender. It sounds like a no brainer, but it isn't (SS). Also, lemons aren't as juicy as you would expect. Perhaps if we owned one of these, I would be whistling a different tune, but 1/4 cup is a tall order to churn out of a lemon. I'm glad there was no one around to see me fight with it. I'm a pretty burly guy, so I took solace in the fact that if I can't do it, it probably can't be done.

 
When you begin blending the hummus, it will look like baby food peanut butter. Do not panic. Scrape the unblended peas and other bits down into the vortex and repeat. Also do not be alarmed that the blender pictured here appears "hot-wired". It was not stolen, and JL is a professional.

Once you have achieved a uniform consistency, you can start fiddling with flavors and textures. This is where the bean juice comes in. Use it to thin things out. It works wonders. It was around this time when I took my first bite of it and was pretty much knocked into next week. The garlic was SERIOUS. So serious that I added another can of garbanzo beans and the rest of the peppers to try and mellow things out. It seemed to do the trick.

Here's the finished product. Some toasted pita with parmesan, a little parsley garnish. Voila. Nice snack. Also good with veggies.

*SOME PEOPLE know a guy whose uncle owns Sagra and get 7 "free hummus" coupons and share not a one.

**THATSWHATSHESAID

***THATSWHATSHESAID

On Repeat: Tame Impala - Alter Ego

Perth-based Tame Impala have been the recipients of a generous amount of buzz in recent months on the heels of their 2008 EP and forthcoming LP Innerspeaker. Blog behemoths larger than myself (if you can IMAGINE) have stamped their seal of approval on their debut single "Solitude is Bliss" and its awesomely apocalyptic video. Myself, I prefer the melodic density of Alter Ego (below).

Perhaps mis characterized as psych-rock, the song opens with a pretty standard rolling guitar part that gets swept into a heady whirlwind of drums and spacey effects. They delicately toe the jam-band line for the first minute or so, nearly indistinguishable from Phish, et al before Kevin Parker's vocals echo into the frame and the Phish similarities end and late-era Beatles similarities begin. To my ear, Parker sounds exactly like John Lennon. And when I say exactly I mean I had to check my Zune to make sure I didn't shuffle to a Beatles B-side. There's an interesting complexity at work on Alter Ego, all the more impressive considering the band has but three members.

Parker's verses carry the song from melody to melody, bridging the energetic drum spurts and hurried bassline. Backing vocals push the song even further into Beatles territory, giving the major chorus of "...when the one from my dreams, is sitting right next to me.....and I don't know what to do" a warmth and depth that the Beatles were masters of in every iteration. Despite obtuse lyrics or other distractions, there was always a welcoming core to every song. Alter Ego taps into this phenomenon. Vague words, squiggly effects but decidedly more than the sum of its parts.

Infinite Jest

While SS's blog post today read like the sprawling itinerary of a woeful socialite, completing the book pictured above is my primary objective this summer*. Because the cover photo is in two dimensions, you may be think me unambitious or illiterate. Here is Infinite Jest from another angle.

1079 pages at my count. Well. Technically 981 pages with 98 pages of footnotes (which I intend to read). Now I've read long books before (IT is 1104 pages thankyouverymuch), but Infinite Jest is another matter entirely. If you aren't familiar with it, here's a synopsis from Wikipedia:

"The lengthy and complex work takes place in a semi-parodic future version of North America. The novel touches on the topics of tennis, substance addiction and recovery programs, depression, child abuse, family relationships, advertising and popular entertainment, film theory, and Quebec separatism."

It's author is David Foster Wallace, widely regarded as a genius and one of the most influential writers of the last 20 years. Wallace committed suicide in late 2008, but 1995's Infinite Jest is his magnum opus and a fixture on nearly every "Best of the Century" literature lists. I've read a few of Wallace's essays from his non-fiction work A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, including the eponymous 100-plus page essay about DFW's experience aboard a cruise ship which I count among the funniest things I have ever read/listened/watched (imagine a 3 hour long AFV music montage and you're close). To call Infinite Jest daunting is to call sumo champion Asashoryu "husky". It is dense, 388 lines are punctuated with footnotes that force you to flip to the back of the book, and it skips all over the place. Mercifully, thus far (through page 42), it still maintains the edge and humor that made his shorter pieces so successful. He doesn't flaunt obscure words or engage in superfluous descriptions to fluff up a page. Every line seems absolutely crucial in bringing you into the characters and the scene. A scary realization for a book over 1,000 pages long.

I have 97 days. As I am on page 42 now, that leaves me a cool 1037 pages, or 10.69 per day to finish it by the end of August. Sounds simple enough, but so do most things on paper. We shall see. I'll update on my progress as I see fit.

*Well, this and devise, film, edit a documentary short, but with SS gallivanting around New England that may well be on indefinite hiatus.

UNGH (Na Na Na Na)

Sweet MARY/JESUS/JOSEPH it was a scorcher today! Thankfully I work in a laboratory with adequate air conditioning (provided you stay in a 2 foot radius of Vulcan/Picasso), but when I got to my car I nearly melted into my seat. When I got home I spent 20 minutes researching popsicle recipes and fashioned an elaborate scheme to steal a blocks of dry ice from work so I could freeze them instantaneously. Such was my desperation for a frosty confection this afternoon. Of course I didn't have the forethought to stock up on Fla-vor-ice in the event of a heat wave, it's May! Well shame on me because today I chewed on ice and dreamed of the delicious novelties of my youth. I've already mentioned Fla-Vor-Ice (which I was for Halloween a few years ago and handed them out at parties), but there really are oodles. Not all frozen delights are created equal. The only reasonable way to discuss this is in list form, so that's precisely what I'll do. Mind you, the opinions expressed here are my own, and therefore unequivocal fact.

1. Fla-vor-ice (also known as freeze pop)
There is no greater feeling in the world than opening the refrigerator and seeing the freezer fully stocked with these fruity shots. I mowed through these like that cat in the Fancy Feast commercials. Between April and September, the freezer was a revolving door for these morsels and you could find the wrappers littered all around the house with the tops chewed off and likely still attached in a row. A box (of 100) a week, between my sister and I. Well, technically we hid all the red ones in the back of the fridge (they are gross), but nearly a box a week. The flavor hierarchy: Pink, Green, Blue, Orange, Purple, Red. Note: Pink/Blue/Green are tied for first. Another note: Do not be fooled by imitations. If it does not have Fla-vor-ice emblazoned on the side, you will be disappointed. Accept no substitutes (MT).

Funny story aside: Once, when I was 6, my dad said that if I took the dog out to pee and didn't let him run away I could have a freeze pop when I got back inside. What did Cedar (RIP) do the second I opened the door? He ran around the yard like a buffoon. Did I let go of the leash? No. Did I get dragged around the yard like a rag doll and get scratched and scraped nearly beyond recognition? Yes. Did I get a popsicle? Yes. Was it worth it? YES.

2. THE O.G. Popsicle
I don't know the name of these, and frankly it doesn't matter. You know exactly what I am talking about. The double popsicles that you can split in half and share (if you're a moron). The only thing holding these back is the presence of a banana flavored pop. Don't get me started on a banana rant, but anything "banana flavored" is an abomination.

3. Popsicle brand pops
When I was a kid we didn't have all the new-fangled fancy flavors on the Popsicle brand website, but they did have Rocket Pops and Lick-a-color pops which both ruled. I preferred the lick-a-color because you could nibble off the layers, but Rocket Pops are good in a pinch or if you are at a friends house.

3. Sherbet
Sherbet is a dark horse here, I know. But it is really tasty, especially when it gets a little melty. Call me crazy, but sherbet>sorbet any day.

4. Push-up pops
Push-up pops get pity placement on this list. I remember loving them, but I also haven't had one in probably 15 years and eating one today would probably destroy any sentiments and tarnish precious childhood memories.

5. Fudgsicles:
Get out of here with Fudgsicles. They taste like frozen Chocolate swill. The only reason they aren't dead last is because they are on a stick.

6. Ice Cream
Ice cream is great, don't get me wrong, but refreshing it is not. No one in their right mind heads for the ice cream when they come back from a run. NO ONE. If you know someone that does, terminate your relationship with them post haste.

My family also made orange juice popsicles (we had a popsicle mold that got more mileage than any utensil in our entire kitchen) and routinely froze juice boxes of Ecto Cooler to go to town on with a spoon. My sister and I fought over these so ferociously that my mom had to label them for us and put them in separate quadrants of the refrigerator. I still stole hers anyway. I didn't list these because DIY popsicles and freezing abnormal things doesn't really count in the spirit of this list.

I welcome your comments.

Amputation

I think my leg may have to come off. Despite egregious wounds I've been able to make my way to Mike's apartment to watch the game. We're currently sitting right next to each other with laptops watching the game (waiting for the tip-off). I can only hope the Celts have a better game than the ride I had.

8:49 Some actor from the Sopranos does a tequila commercial for 1800 Tequila. 1800 is the stuff that magically appears with John Lamb at parties around 1:00am. When the 1800 comes out you know it's about to go straight downhill.

Let me say that Dwight Howard's STUPID mustache makes him look like a French Croupier. If his shoulders weren't the size of my head (each) I would want to punch him in the face. Yes, he intimidates me to the extent that I censor my own thoughts.

What is the Orlando Magic's mascot? Is it merlin? Is it just a sparkly basketball like the one that appears on their jerseys? Whatever it is it's got to be ridiculous.

You may have realized that I don't know shit about basketball. Yes, I know what a f-ing shot clock is. It's a countdown timer for that runs down from 24. When it runs out you have to press "x" and shoot the ball from wherever you are on the court.

8:55pm Ray Allen is still sneering.

8:56pm And-one for Paul Pierce. I think his favorite part of basketball is getting fouls. I wonder where he ranks among the most fouled members of the NBA. After he retires he may have a career in professional soccer.

8:58pm I have no freaking idea what Inception (commercial on now) is about from the previews. All I know is that buildings are crumbling and turning upside down. It's like a MC Escher version of Batman.

9:00pm What is Stan Van Gundy's blood pressure. Has anyone talked to him about that? I think he may faint if he continues his absurd yelling. It also seems really effective with his players. Can you tell "really" is dripping with sarcasm.

What is Mike blogging about?

SAM AND MIKE LIVEBLOG THE GAME!!1

It's 8:30 and I haven't blogged today. Mostly because Sam harangued me into biking with him this afternoon and then administering first aid on his leg and his pride when he failed to unclip and "sack-o-tatered" himself all over Mass Ave. Sam and I will be liveblogging the game a la Bill Simmons until we pass out or run out of snarky things to say.

8:33PM EST I love these highlight reel intros, I always get chills, especially during the radio calls. No one makes memorable calls anymore.

8:34PM EST Stan Van Gundy and Doc Rivers both need a lozenge. Why do all NBA coaches have such hoarse voices? They need headsets or earpieces or sign language or something. Imagine if one lost their voice? Devastating.

8:36 God it must be so obnoxious working at a professional sports arena and having to hear "Welcome to the Jungle" 15 times a day.

8:38 Sam: "What is this 24 clock thing on....oh...the shot clock." This does not bode well.

8:42 How does Kevin Garnett get so sweaty so fast? It's been five minutes. Another bad job is post-game laundry.

8:46 There's a pretty tried and true formula for announcers. One guy with serviceable play-by-play skills and a silky voice, a recently retired player who can offer an "inside" player perspective and boom-shakala-laka wordplay when someone dunks, and another old player/coach who whines about officials and how the league has changed.

8:49 I can't tell whether using a Sopranos character in a Tequila commercial is supposed to be intimidating or cool. I'm going to buy some just in case.

8:55 Jeff Van Gundy is mad that Law and Order is off the air and talking about the World Cup. I think we all know which kind of announcer he is.

8:57 I feel bad for kids who are misled into thinking ordering a Miller Lite from a bar will gain you the respect and admiration of cute bartenders. Unless it is $2 Miller Lite night or they run out of PBR.

8:59 "RAY ALLEN YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE" The only way they could cross-promote Prince of Persia more is by either making the home team dress up in Persian military armor or letting Jake Gyllenhaal play the 3rd quarter.

9:02 Redick is too pretty for the NBA. Aren't white NBA players contractually obligated to have long hair or look like Mike Dunleavy (sprinted into sliding glass door as a child)? He must be a great wing-man for Gortat.

9:07 I don't like Jaguars (they look like fancy Buicks), but the XJ is S-E-X-Y.

9:09 Sam was using Luke's computer and now he is cut-off. He won't be reading anything I write until tomorrow morning. Sam and John are arguing about the merits of 3D, and Katie is rolling her eyes super hard.

9:11 Sam has an ABSURD bandage on his leg, like the kind people wear around their head in old-timey war movies. I don't know the extent of his wound, but I don't remember any shrapnel.

9:17 Rasheed Wallace is definitely the Rick James of the NBA, as evidenced by that last foul. "NO I DIDN'T FOUL HIM I WASN'T EVEN THERE! TALK TO MY LAWYER..................YEAH I REMEMBER RUNNING INTO HIM AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN"

9:21 Is Dwight Howard really pronounced "Duh-white"? Because I thought everyone but me had a speech impediment.

9:23 Sam and Katie are discussing strategy for dressing his wound and the medicinal properties of expired Neosporin.

9:25 Glen Davis, that air ball means that shot is out of your range. For future notice, if you can't dunk it from where you are, it is out of your range.

9:27 DEAR NBA, STOP AUTOTUNING EVERYTHING.

9:28 I think I could coach in the NBA, or at least until the All-Star break or they checked my references.

9:31 Shut up about Cold Case Jeff Van Gundy and your mom going to your Spanish class, have some shame.

9:36 Pierce plays basketball a lot how I played basketball in middle school. Spinning and flailing and generally out of control. They only difference is I didn't get the foul calls.

9:38 These AXE commercials with the sprinkler armpits are gross. Everyone agrees.

 9:42 How Rondo the flying squirrel sneaks lay-ups in around Dwight Howard is flabbergasting.

9:46 How can you have a beard in the NBA? I tried to grow a beard for like two weeks and it was beyond itchy. Can Rashard Lewis or KG really claim that being covered in sweat and around 9 other sweaty dudes isn't uncomfortable? I mean, I'm sure it's uncomfortable anyway, but beard is another matter entirely.

HALFTIME

9:54 God these local commercials are almost as bad as NH local commercials. And your not fooling anyone COMCAST, I mean "XFINITY".

10:16 RAY ALLEN CAN STILL DUNK?!  Poor Vince Carter got posterized by a 34 year old Ray Allen.

10:17 Dwight Howard awoke Kevin Garnett's scary face. Beware Magic.

10:19 The zombie-shark commercial is almost as strange and uncomfortable as the sweaty AXE commercial.

10:23 God Perkins you are so dumb sometimes. Stay in the paint and shave your King Tut beard.

10:27 Someone is going to be ejected by the end of this quarter. You heard it here first.

10:32 John "And that's why you're called Big Baby" as Glen Davis licks his lips all Hannibal Lecter like.

10:37 Celtics take lead. Magic proceed to panic and self-destruct.

10:40 Sometimes I wish I could read lips for when I watch sports, and then I realize that the things they say will probably keep me up at night.

10:46 OK Doc Rivers, you can take Rasheed out now. He is going to have an arraignment in the morning if you don't.

10:47 Sam drops the word "heart" with 9:46 left in the game.

10:55 As I was thinking "Why is Big Baby still playing" he ties the game and the Magic turn it over. I take back every snarky remark Mr. Davis.

10:56 Big Baby is OUT OF HIS GODDAYUM MIND

11:03 We all agree that courtside seats in basketball are the best seats in sports.

11:06 Sloppy is right.

11:08 Android is really cool, but the commercials for the Droid are really bizarre. Are they trying to sell exclusively to aliens?

11:13 Paul Pierce just had an adrenaline shot in that last huddle to summon that dunk. Or sold his soul to some unsavory character. I don't really care if we win.

11:17 80 seconds, Pierce decides he'll handle it. Tie game.

11:18 Tie game, 40 seconds. Miss. Bah. Time out.

11:20 Yes we looked up what "Low T" is. It's low testosterone. Duh.

11:21: WTF just happened. OT.

The quality of this blog post has dropped precipitously. Apologies. I'm going to watch the OT sans comments. Blogging is hard.