Tuesday, May 25, 2010

UNGH (Na Na Na Na)

Sweet MARY/JESUS/JOSEPH it was a scorcher today! Thankfully I work in a laboratory with adequate air conditioning (provided you stay in a 2 foot radius of Vulcan/Picasso), but when I got to my car I nearly melted into my seat. When I got home I spent 20 minutes researching popsicle recipes and fashioned an elaborate scheme to steal a blocks of dry ice from work so I could freeze them instantaneously. Such was my desperation for a frosty confection this afternoon. Of course I didn't have the forethought to stock up on Fla-vor-ice in the event of a heat wave, it's May! Well shame on me because today I chewed on ice and dreamed of the delicious novelties of my youth. I've already mentioned Fla-Vor-Ice (which I was for Halloween a few years ago and handed them out at parties), but there really are oodles. Not all frozen delights are created equal. The only reasonable way to discuss this is in list form, so that's precisely what I'll do. Mind you, the opinions expressed here are my own, and therefore unequivocal fact.

1. Fla-vor-ice (also known as freeze pop)
There is no greater feeling in the world than opening the refrigerator and seeing the freezer fully stocked with these fruity shots. I mowed through these like that cat in the Fancy Feast commercials. Between April and September, the freezer was a revolving door for these morsels and you could find the wrappers littered all around the house with the tops chewed off and likely still attached in a row. A box (of 100) a week, between my sister and I. Well, technically we hid all the red ones in the back of the fridge (they are gross), but nearly a box a week. The flavor hierarchy: Pink, Green, Blue, Orange, Purple, Red. Note: Pink/Blue/Green are tied for first. Another note: Do not be fooled by imitations. If it does not have Fla-vor-ice emblazoned on the side, you will be disappointed. Accept no substitutes (MT).

Funny story aside: Once, when I was 6, my dad said that if I took the dog out to pee and didn't let him run away I could have a freeze pop when I got back inside. What did Cedar (RIP) do the second I opened the door? He ran around the yard like a buffoon. Did I let go of the leash? No. Did I get dragged around the yard like a rag doll and get scratched and scraped nearly beyond recognition? Yes. Did I get a popsicle? Yes. Was it worth it? YES.

2. THE O.G. Popsicle
I don't know the name of these, and frankly it doesn't matter. You know exactly what I am talking about. The double popsicles that you can split in half and share (if you're a moron). The only thing holding these back is the presence of a banana flavored pop. Don't get me started on a banana rant, but anything "banana flavored" is an abomination.

3. Popsicle brand pops
When I was a kid we didn't have all the new-fangled fancy flavors on the Popsicle brand website, but they did have Rocket Pops and Lick-a-color pops which both ruled. I preferred the lick-a-color because you could nibble off the layers, but Rocket Pops are good in a pinch or if you are at a friends house.

3. Sherbet
Sherbet is a dark horse here, I know. But it is really tasty, especially when it gets a little melty. Call me crazy, but sherbet>sorbet any day.

4. Push-up pops
Push-up pops get pity placement on this list. I remember loving them, but I also haven't had one in probably 15 years and eating one today would probably destroy any sentiments and tarnish precious childhood memories.
5. Fudgsicles:
Get out of here with Fudgsicles. They taste like frozen Chocolate swill. The only reason they aren't dead last is because they are on a stick.

6. Ice Cream
Ice cream is great, don't get me wrong, but refreshing it is not. No one in their right mind heads for the ice cream when they come back from a run. NO ONE. If you know someone that does, terminate your relationship with them post haste.

My family also made orange juice popsicles (we had a popsicle mold that got more mileage than any utensil in our entire kitchen) and routinely froze juice boxes of Ecto Cooler to go to town on with a spoon. My sister and I fought over these so ferociously that my mom had to label them for us and put them in separate quadrants of the refrigerator. I still stole hers anyway. I didn't list these because DIY popsicles and freezing abnormal things doesn't really count in the spirit of this list.

I welcome your comments.

1 comment:

  1. oh my! a few things:

    -you ate nearly a third of my imitation freeze pop so quit putting it down. i was a fool to eagerly hold it out for you, like a child, to taste. although i did get to witness your freeze pop shredding abilities of yore.

    -the double pops are called TWIN pops.

    -push pops are GROSS.

    -strawberry shortcake/chocolate eclair bars should've gotten a mention even though they're technically ice cream.

    -we should have an ice creamery off!