For Santa's Eyes Only

Dear Santa,

No matter what anyone else says, I've been a good boy this year. I do the dishes, clean my room, and share beer bottles with the nickel-vultures. I only drink Four Loko at special occasions and always pull over for emergency vehicles. Everyone thought 2009 was a banner year, but I done done it again and made those folks at Guinness look like damn fools. I keep telling ya'll to write those records in pencil. Now esteem and adoration are swell, but in the immortal words of Shania Twain, "that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night." So here are the tangible goods I would like in exchange for my good behavior this fiscal year.

1. Paring Knife - A little birdie told me I have a nice 8" Chef's knife coming for X-Mas, but I'll be damned if I'm going to use a Chef's knife to peel an apple. Who do I look like, Beatrix Kiddo? Something like this would be just fine.

Chef Technique Class/Book - Newfangled and mind-bogglingly sharp toys being operated by the same shaky and slippery hands is a recipe for the ER. I need to learn to how handle these knives, or I will be handled by them and be the first person to call out of work for loss of blood. CMM highly recommends the book below by this impish French fellow, and I know there are tons of amateur cooking classes around Boston that I should look up while I still have carpal muscles.

Soup Cookbook - I like using allrecipes a ton, but I don't bother with recipes without pictures or ones with crappy pictures. A good soup cookbook would broaden these horizons a tad.

Roger Ebert Movie Book - Roger Ebert has written a ton of books, and I trust his opinion on just about anything. So much so, that he nearly had me convinced that I needed a rice cooker. I'm still on the fence about that, but his movie reviews are always a fantastic read. Perhaps Your Movie Sucks, Awake In The Dark, or Great Movies (I, II, or III).

Coffee Mug - A coffee mug of my own with some witty image or phrase on it would fit nicely in my stocking. I'm tired of using AG's Bee one for my tea, and all the ones at my apartment are boring. My mug needs to speak for me, as I can't while I'm drinking from it. Something like this:

1. Nano Watchband - These are awesome, and being a lover of timepieces and having recently acquired a Nano, the temptation is too much to bear. The only question is slap bracelet, classy, or rubbery?

Note: This list is a work in progress. The author of this post reserves the right to amend or remove items on this list as well as add additional items without notice. Should confusion occur, always air on the side of caution and purchase the more expensive item. As with all gifts to MPD, a receipt should be retained and wrapping paper should kept to minimum. If you purchase a gift not on this list, you do so at your own risk and are fully liable for all emotional and punitive damages arising therefrom.