Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Easter Candy


How Christ's resurrection became associated with rabbits with baskets and hidden eggs I will never understand. Was it conniving Hershey executives in the 19th century to push their chocolate agenda through the spring sales lull? Was it a big poultry/PAAS alliance trying to make Americans who would nary eat a hard-boiled egg decide to boil, dye, decorate and consume a dozen in a single day? Whatever precipitated this 'holiday', the truth is that I eat more candy this day than I do the rest of the year combined. I don't even particularly like candy, but Easter candy is another matter entirely. I feel it is my duty to rank familiar Easter candy so that you can form a solid gameplan. They are ranked from delicious to vile. 

Note: Too many companies put pastel colors on their wrapper and call it 'EASTER CANDY!!11'. They will not receive proper billing here. I LOVE Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but seriously Reese's? Pink foil wrappers don't fool anyone. Have some self-respect. Also, if you just make your candy 'egg-shaped' and don't change anything else, that's lame too. 

 
1. Cadbury Mini Eggs

THESE are the reason I go home for Easter (well, you know what I mean). They are SO delicious, and the complete opposite of their evil twin, Cadbury Creme Eggs (more on them later). If I were to die on Easter (don't worry, I'd be back in 3 days like JC), I would want to go drowning in a sea of Cadbury Mini Eggs (see above).



DISTANT DISTANT 2. Jelly Beans

I don't know if Jelly Beans are technically an 'Easter' candy, but I enjoy them in moderation. I'm not freakish about my beans either and separate them by color, flavor or however else the voices tell you. They are tangy and fruity and generally enjoyable. Just make sure you don't get the Bertie Bott's every flavor beans. Those are DANGEROUS. Or hilarious, if you have a sense of humor and gullible siblings.  



3. Chocolate Bunnies

When I saw Chocolate Bunnies, I mean a real C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E Bunny. Good chocolate, preferably with some peanut butter/caramel, but for the love of GOD, good chocolate. Not a hollow, crumbly, waxy, I-have-to-chew-this-for-30-seconds-to-taste-it bunny. If it comes in a box and sits in an imprint on a white plastic tray, you can keep it. If it says Russell Stover or Palmer's on it, I hope you have the receipt. 

4. Robin Eggs

I think I like these. At least a little bit. They are made by Whoppers, so they probably taste like Whoppers. I like Whoppers to a point, and that point is probably a 'handful'. After that I wonder why I am eating astronaut candy and look around to see if there are any Cadbury Mini Eggs left I can steal out of my sister's basket. This is mostly here to buffer the good candy from the TERRIBLE candy. 



5. Cadbury Creme Eggs

So what if I chose an unflattering picture of a Cadbury Creme Egg. That is exactly what you are eating. You are eating that terrible hollow chocolate which has been impregnated with a sugary goo. It's like a real raw egg! Isn't that fun?! No, it's an abomination. If you like Cadbury Creme Eggs we probably won't get along. You probably also eat frosting out of the container. 



6. Peeps

If you thought I was harsh on Cadbury Creme Eggs, here's where I pull out the big guns. Peeps and ZERO redeeming qualities. They are the Twinkies and the Spam and the Pork Rinds of Easter Candy. Do me a favor for a second. Cover up the eye of the peep in the picture. What does it look like to you? Yes, you're right, a fluorescent turd. And that's exactly how it tastes. I feel like renouncing my membership to the human race whenever a person says they love Peeps. I usually ask them if they are new to this planet. You know how Just Born  (what an apt name, as those are the only people who like your candy) probably thought of the idea for Peeps? They dropped a half-melted Marshmallow in the sand. Just think about that next time you bite into one.  

4 comments:

  1. Quite astute. I like pastel peanut M&Ms but I get why you didn't include those (I eat them the rest of the year too). I also HATE Cadbury Creme Eggs. And as for peeps, the only way to deal with them is to put them in the microwave . . .

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  2. Cadbury mini eggs are the best easter candy. Period.

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