Monday, May 24, 2010

SAM AND MIKE LIVEBLOG THE GAME!!1

It's 8:30 and I haven't blogged today. Mostly because Sam harangued me into biking with him this afternoon and then administering first aid on his leg and his pride when he failed to unclip and "sack-o-tatered" himself all over Mass Ave. Sam and I will be liveblogging the game a la Bill Simmons until we pass out or run out of snarky things to say.

8:33PM EST I love these highlight reel intros, I always get chills, especially during the radio calls. No one makes memorable calls anymore.

8:34PM EST Stan Van Gundy and Doc Rivers both need a lozenge. Why do all NBA coaches have such hoarse voices? They need headsets or earpieces or sign language or something. Imagine if one lost their voice? Devastating.

8:36 God it must be so obnoxious working at a professional sports arena and having to hear "Welcome to the Jungle" 15 times a day.

8:38 Sam: "What is this 24 clock thing on....oh...the shot clock." This does not bode well.

8:42 How does Kevin Garnett get so sweaty so fast? It's been five minutes. Another bad job is post-game laundry.

8:46 There's a pretty tried and true formula for announcers. One guy with serviceable play-by-play skills and a silky voice, a recently retired player who can offer an "inside" player perspective and boom-shakala-laka wordplay when someone dunks, and another old player/coach who whines about officials and how the league has changed.

8:49 I can't tell whether using a Sopranos character in a Tequila commercial is supposed to be intimidating or cool. I'm going to buy some just in case.

8:55 Jeff Van Gundy is mad that Law and Order is off the air and talking about the World Cup. I think we all know which kind of announcer he is.

8:57 I feel bad for kids who are misled into thinking ordering a Miller Lite from a bar will gain you the respect and admiration of cute bartenders. Unless it is $2 Miller Lite night or they run out of PBR.

8:59 "RAY ALLEN YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE" The only way they could cross-promote Prince of Persia more is by either making the home team dress up in Persian military armor or letting Jake Gyllenhaal play the 3rd quarter.

9:02 Redick is too pretty for the NBA. Aren't white NBA players contractually obligated to have long hair or look like Mike Dunleavy (sprinted into sliding glass door as a child)? He must be a great wing-man for Gortat.

9:07 I don't like Jaguars (they look like fancy Buicks), but the XJ is S-E-X-Y.

9:09 Sam was using Luke's computer and now he is cut-off. He won't be reading anything I write until tomorrow morning. Sam and John are arguing about the merits of 3D, and Katie is rolling her eyes super hard.

9:11 Sam has an ABSURD bandage on his leg, like the kind people wear around their head in old-timey war movies. I don't know the extent of his wound, but I don't remember any shrapnel.

9:17 Rasheed Wallace is definitely the Rick James of the NBA, as evidenced by that last foul. "NO I DIDN'T FOUL HIM I WASN'T EVEN THERE! TALK TO MY LAWYER..................YEAH I REMEMBER RUNNING INTO HIM AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN"

9:21 Is Dwight Howard really pronounced "Duh-white"? Because I thought everyone but me had a speech impediment.

9:23 Sam and Katie are discussing strategy for dressing his wound and the medicinal properties of expired Neosporin.

9:25 Glen Davis, that air ball means that shot is out of your range. For future notice, if you can't dunk it from where you are, it is out of your range.

9:27 DEAR NBA, STOP AUTOTUNING EVERYTHING.

9:28 I think I could coach in the NBA, or at least until the All-Star break or they checked my references.

9:31 Shut up about Cold Case Jeff Van Gundy and your mom going to your Spanish class, have some shame.

9:36 Pierce plays basketball a lot how I played basketball in middle school. Spinning and flailing and generally out of control. They only difference is I didn't get the foul calls.

9:38 These AXE commercials with the sprinkler armpits are gross. Everyone agrees.

 9:42 How Rondo the flying squirrel sneaks lay-ups in around Dwight Howard is flabbergasting.

9:46 How can you have a beard in the NBA? I tried to grow a beard for like two weeks and it was beyond itchy. Can Rashard Lewis or KG really claim that being covered in sweat and around 9 other sweaty dudes isn't uncomfortable? I mean, I'm sure it's uncomfortable anyway, but beard is another matter entirely.

HALFTIME

9:54 God these local commercials are almost as bad as NH local commercials. And your not fooling anyone COMCAST, I mean "XFINITY".

10:16 RAY ALLEN CAN STILL DUNK?!  Poor Vince Carter got posterized by a 34 year old Ray Allen.

10:17 Dwight Howard awoke Kevin Garnett's scary face. Beware Magic.

10:19 The zombie-shark commercial is almost as strange and uncomfortable as the sweaty AXE commercial.

10:23 God Perkins you are so dumb sometimes. Stay in the paint and shave your King Tut beard.

10:27 Someone is going to be ejected by the end of this quarter. You heard it here first.

10:32 John "And that's why you're called Big Baby" as Glen Davis licks his lips all Hannibal Lecter like.

10:37 Celtics take lead. Magic proceed to panic and self-destruct.

10:40 Sometimes I wish I could read lips for when I watch sports, and then I realize that the things they say will probably keep me up at night.

10:46 OK Doc Rivers, you can take Rasheed out now. He is going to have an arraignment in the morning if you don't.

10:47 Sam drops the word "heart" with 9:46 left in the game.

10:55 As I was thinking "Why is Big Baby still playing" he ties the game and the Magic turn it over. I take back every snarky remark Mr. Davis.

10:56 Big Baby is OUT OF HIS GODDAYUM MIND

11:03 We all agree that courtside seats in basketball are the best seats in sports.

11:06 Sloppy is right.

11:08 Android is really cool, but the commercials for the Droid are really bizarre. Are they trying to sell exclusively to aliens?

11:13 Paul Pierce just had an adrenaline shot in that last huddle to summon that dunk. Or sold his soul to some unsavory character. I don't really care if we win.

11:17 80 seconds, Pierce decides he'll handle it. Tie game.

11:18 Tie game, 40 seconds. Miss. Bah. Time out.

11:20 Yes we looked up what "Low T" is. It's low testosterone. Duh.

11:21: WTF just happened. OT.

The quality of this blog post has dropped precipitously. Apologies. I'm going to watch the OT sans comments. Blogging is hard.

1 comment:

  1. You really wrote this post with a lot of heart.

    ReplyDelete