Lollipops and Crisps: Cats Rule, Dogs Drool

Truer words were never spoken Sassy.

Dogs are cool, but for my money, cats are the cats ass, as they say (well, as JS says*). Dogs are loyal and eager to please, but you know what dogs, it's not always about you. Sometimes I just want to chill and have a beer and don't need your fat wet head in my lap. And yes, I was planning on eating all of that, and I don't appreciate you making me feel selfish about it. Sometimes (most times) that person at the door is not a homicidal maniac and doesn't warrant 15 minutes of howling and general spazzy behavior. Dogs are clingy, dogs are dumb, and dogs are obnoxious. No one is ever mauled by a cat, and no one ever steps on cat poop on a walk. Cat's also have no interest in crotch identification or indiscriminate humping. Cat's never drag their butts along the floor or shred shoes and furniture with startling efficiency.

Cats are relaxed, cats are calm, cats do whatever the hell they want, and will NOT apologize for it. Sometimes that means you'll step on a hairball and sometimes that means you'll discover a decapitated chipmunk carcass on your front stoop, but them's the breaks. Most times it seems like cats don't care if you live or die, so long as their food bowl is topped off, but then they hop into your lap and purr like a '62 Chevy** and, well, I just go all to mush. Cats can fetch, cat's can be potty trained, cats have class. Cats are as self-sufficient as an ant farm, but have the personality of a primate. They are smart, they are agile, and they are mischievous. Rather than the obnoxious curiosity of dogs that involves peeing on interesting things and doing a butt-sniff doe-si-doe with other dogs, cats can be distracted by a laser pointer for over an hour. Have you ever seen a cat with a fresh sprig of catnip? Probably, it's similar to what a dog does when it encounters another animals fresh feces. Whatever drug is human equivalent to catnip, I need to get me some***.

The best empirical evidence as to the awesomeness of cats is how cats interact with dogs. Sure, most dogs have a solid 60lbs on any cat, but my money is always on the cat. Cats are scrappy. Take this gif for example:

Unassuming stupid dog has no idea what hit him. Now maybe he simply didn't care that the cat was about to maim him, but cats thrive on that shit. I can't tell you how many times I've casually walked through a doorway only to have Maui**** launch at my feet with reckless abandon. Not so much now, since he's old and frail, but in his prime, I had borderline PTSD from his covert ops.

I know the connotation that cat people get (damn you eccentric old women who give other cat lovers a bad name), but I really don't care. When I have my own apartment, I will get a cat, and any girls who give me sideways glances will have to check themselves lest they wreck themselves. For my final piece of evidence, please refer to the gifs below, that I have been spamming SS with over the last week. Case Closed.